Thoughts

I am buzzing on bleach fumes right now. Also I had half a pint of Strongbow with my sandwich and fries at lunchtime..but that was hours and hours and hours ago...

Today was full of errands. Trams and ticket machines (to get the dog a day ticket) and shy toddlers and haggling returns in retail shops and shoe modifications. I have a great pair of old clogs from several years back, but I had demolished one of the heels, so they tried to fix it, but could not. Instead the cobbler-girl used her super grinder to grind both heels down, so now they look new, if slightly lower, which is perfect for me. Girl the dog went with me but at some point, possibly on the flight of stairs on the way out of our building, she hurt her front right foot and was limping almost the whole time, poor thing, and so cut the afternoon leg of errands short. No pun intended. Sheesh.

Later on my own I had a walk home in the light rain with my arms loaded down and my ears plugged up with sounds of the mini player on shuffle. Come Pick Me Up by Ryan Adams...had to pause to turn it way up. That feeling that comes at the rise of the chorus, I realized that too is "what I am afraid of". That part makes me high, and I tear up the first time it happens in the song no matter how much I expect it or how recently I have heard before. It starts coming on in a rush with those "I wish you would"s and in no time I am feeling like junior high puppy love heart soaring and I know that this song does that to a lot of people, doesn't it? BUT what if that is what it is like to have a child? Moment to moment of getting your heart ripped out over nothing, nothing, in the big scheme of things.

My mom and I are great now, but when I was young, we fought so viciously at times. When I was young she was really young too, I can hardly believe she had a high school graduate at my age and here I am contemplating a baby.