Some Natural Disasters I Have Witnessed.

Imagine.

You are newly married and feeling so sexy and slinky and secure, so you go on The Pill so you can have mad unprotected pregnancy-free sex with your spouse. The freedom is awesome and so are the huge round breasts you suddenly possess. But wait, what is this? When did your ass and your pooch grow so large too and why can't your lose the twenty-five pounds you gained in two months even after your decided to stop The Pill and live somewhat dangerously A YEAR AGO?! Geez.

You have strategically hidden tweezers in every room of your home and always in your handbag, because apparently, increasingly over the last decade, your female body has decided to grow a beard. You jokingly call them "wisdom hairs" and try to think of the thick spiky black things appearing hourly on your chin as marks of some type of higher spirituality (you have seen photographs of some Indian and Nepalese women..) but you realize in your heart that if you are ever stranded with your hot husband but without a mirror and tweezers on a lush and tropical desert island, no matter how the sun and island air and walking everywhere and working to survive will generally improve your exercise-deprived body, your sweet face is screwed baby. (You begin to research how to create dilapidator or bleach from twigs and plants, just in case, and pray that love really is transcendent.)

You go partying at the reggae show with the cool kids ten years younger than you, have an rare and amazing fun time, get your dance on (after somewhat believing that your groove was gone forever), drink slightly more than you planned (4 ammarreto sours and was that 3 vodka lemons before starting in with the classy-girl white wine? oh sure it was over HOURS and HOURS) but still somehow manage to get into a taxi with your husband and the other last-man-standing from your group and convey to the driver the address of where you live......you get home feeling so hip and chic, and into the elevator with the mirror on one wall where you notice that a prominent front strand of your long rock and roller hair has turned bright silver grey in the last eight hours, and clearly and undeniably you are old.